Life has a way of keeping many of us a lot busier than we had planned. There's work, family, friends, the shopping, the driving around, and the weeks have a way of rolling into one another. When life is that full, it's easy not to notice changes in the people around us. Someone who was always up for a chat might be quieter than usual, for no obvious reason. Someone who used to be at the centre of your social group has quietly drifted into the background. Often there's a simple explanation, and it turns out to be nothing, just the normal ebb and flow of life, juggling demands, being preoccupied with other things for a while. But sometimes it might just be a subtle sign that a person is weighed down with a bit more than they're letting on.
R U OK? Day is built around one really powerful idea: checking in with the people around you to see how they're really going, and meaning it when you ask. That idea works, because a genuine question from someone who cares can make a real difference. But it's also a great opportunity to check in with yourself, and to treat yourself with the same care and compassion you'd show someone else. We all benefit from both giving and receiving kindness, and checking in on others and checking in on yourself come from the same place. This article is about both.
Often when you ask someone how they are, there's a fair chance you'll hear the answer many of us give when we're asked, perhaps something like: "I'm fine, just a bit tired." Some people might open up about what's bothering them, but plenty don't, or at least not straight away. There's also the possibility that if you encourage someone to open up before they're ready, they might be less inclined to, because they feel like they're being pressured to talk about something they aren't quite ready to talk about.
If that's a situation you can relate to, just showing that you genuinely care can still be of great benefit to someone going through a difficult time. Across many studies, conducted in many different countries, people who know they have someone in their corner tend to cope better with stress and the rough patches of life, whether or not they ever open up fully, or have a deep and meaningful conversation about it. Knowing that support is there matters enormously in itself. And in many cultures, care is hardly spoken at all. It's shown through time together, meals, and practical help, and studies suggest that quiet kind of support genuinely helps people under stress.
Sometimes people just don't want to talk about what might be weighing them down a bit, and that's okay. As long as you're asking because you genuinely care, and you're around afterwards, you can still help. You don't need the full story of what someone is going through to matter to them. What matters is that they know you're there. Keep inviting them to gatherings, even if they've said no the last three times, and keep the invitations easy to say no to. You could grab a really quick coffee and just keep it light and conversational, or just sit with them and watch something so that there isn't any pressure to fill in the silences, or even send a message that says you're thinking of them and they don't need to reply. Small things like this can still carry the message that counts: you're not on your own.
The way you help makes a difference too. Many people don't like feeling rescued. Being obviously helped can make someone feel worse, like they've become a problem others have to manage. Help that doesn't make a big deal of itself is often easier for people to accept.
Everyone has times when they're down. Sometimes there could be an obvious reason, like a relationship ending or losing someone close, and sometimes it's a few smaller things that aren't going right at the same time. Each one on its own might be fine, but all together they can be hard to cope with, and hard to put into words. When someone is going through a time like that, there often isn't a solution to offer, and reaching for one can get in the way. Well-intentioned sentiments like "everything happens for a reason" or "it could be worse" can often have the opposite effect to the one intended. If the person doesn't feel like you genuinely mean it, or that you really understand what they're going through, lines like these can come across as finding the bright side from a safe distance. The researcher Brené Brown describes that difference well: sympathy stands at the edge of what someone is going through and tries to find the bright side, while empathy gets in beside them and stays there. You don't have to understand exactly what someone is feeling, and you don't need the right words. Just being there and listening is the help. "That sounds really hard. I'm here" goes a long way further than any advice. Then keep turning up, with time, with patience, and with no pressure on them to talk. If they ever do want to talk, they'll remember who listened.
Life has ups and downs for everyone, and having a rough patch now and then is just part of being human. It doesn't always feel that way while you're in one, but rough patches do pass, and just knowing that someone's in your corner, even without saying much, can make it a little easier.
Think about what happens when a friend makes a genuine mistake. Many of us would speak to that friend kindly and remind them that everyone gets things wrong. If they're making their mistake out to be bigger than it is, we try to help them see it at its real size: yes it might be bad now, but it can be fixed, and in a year it won't matter. If it really is serious, we tell them they'll get through it, and we mean it.
Now think about the voice you use on yourself when you're the one who's made the mistake.
For many people, those are two very different conversations. The same person who tells a friend "that's an honest mistake that anyone could have made" will lie awake going over their own mistake again and again. We treat the people we love and respect with a level of kindness and fairness we often don't offer ourselves.
The psychologist Kristin Neff has spent many years studying what happens when people close that gap. She calls it self-compassion, which sounds soft until you look at the findings. A common fear is that being kinder to yourself, or going easier on yourself, could mean not pushing yourself to maintain the standards or expectations you set for yourself, and that the critical voice in your head is what pushes you to be better. Neff's research, however, suggests that being overly critical of yourself can have the opposite effect, and instead leave you feeling less motivated, and less capable of getting things back on track. People who treat themselves more kindly, the way they'd treat a friend, tend to do better. They still expect just as much of themselves, but worry less about getting things wrong, and are more likely to have another go when something doesn't work out. In one study, people who treated themselves this way improved more after their mistakes than the people who beat themselves up, and other people could see the difference, not just the person themselves. The harsh internal voice might feel like it's building self-discipline, but there's little evidence it helps anyone do better.
There's a simple technique here you can try to help change the critical voice you might use with yourself, and it has good evidence behind it, even if it sounds a bit strange at first. When something has gone wrong, talk yourself through it the way you'd talk a friend through it, even using your own name. "Alright, Dave, what's actually happened here, and what's the next step?" It might feel a bit odd the first time you try it on yourself, but it's no stranger than the kind words you'd offer someone else, and studies have found it takes hardly any effort to make a real difference. Many of us are good at steadying a friend when they're facing a challenge, and it's worth giving yourself that same kind of support to navigate whatever life throws your way.
This goes further than mistakes. Plenty of people spend their weeks looking after everyone else, driving family to appointments, taking the late calls, helping whoever needs a hand. If that sounds like you, it's worth asking honestly when you last spent any of that care on yourself. It might be the sleep you keep cutting short, the walk you keep skipping, or the doctor's appointment you keep pushing back. Looking after the people you love is one of the best things you can do with your time. Letting your own health quietly slip while you do it is one of the most common ways good people wear themselves down. If a friend were doing it, you'd say something, and it's worth saying the same thing to yourself.
Everybody can help somebody sometimes, and everyone could use a little help sometimes. The friend you're keeping an eye on this month might be the one checking on you in October.
So this R U OK? Day, remember it's really all about kindness, in both directions. Check in with your colleagues and friends, ask how they are going, and mean it. If they open up, try to listen more than you talk. If they don't feel like opening up then that's ok too, and just letting them know you care might be doing more good than you can see. And if someone you know is really struggling, it's worth gently encouraging them to reach out to a GP, an EAP, or someone who can help get them the help that they need. But keep checking in too, because knowing you're in their corner can make more of a difference than you realise.