Some days, your best laid plans can fall apart before you’ve finished your first coffee. The day starts off like any other, then things begin to unravel a bit, and you get that feeling it’s going to be one of those days when nothing seems to fall into place.
Perhaps you get some feedback that catches you by surprise and leaves you feeling a bit deflated. Maybe you’re busy trying to get through a piece of work, but the requests and demands keep coming and you can’t seem to get ahead. Or you’ve got something going on in your personal life, outside of work, that is constantly in your thoughts, and it’s hard to focus 100% on what you’re doing. Maybe you’ve been keeping it to yourself, and the people around you don’t really know what you’re dealing with. They don’t mean to add to the burden, but the questions, the emails and the requests just keep coming, and you’re trying to soldier through it on your own.
Looking after yourself doesn’t just mean eating better, getting more sleep and exercise. It also means looking after yourself on the ordinary days, as you go through your daily routines and things don’t go the way you planned, or stress and pressure start to build as you deal with challenges and setbacks. This article shares four small things you can try when that happens.
Our first instinct is often to push the feeling away. We tell ourselves, “Calm down. Stop worrying. Get on with it.” It makes sense, but it can sometimes backfire on us. Trying to force yourself to stop worrying often keeps you focused on the worry.
What can help us adapt and cope with the days that don’t go our way is a bit of acceptance and a bit of flexibility, or psychological flexibility to be exact. Psychological flexibility means noticing what is happening now and adapting what you do in line with what matters to you. Think of a branch moving in the wind while it stays connected to its roots. The feeling can stay, and you can still decide what to do.
So what does that look like in practice? Here are four things you can try to bring a bit of mental flexibility to your day, or to a challenging situation.
Start by noticing what’s there. You might be tense before a presentation, frustrated by a delay or disappointed with some feedback. Try giving the feeling a simple name, then see whether you can let it be there while you decide what to do. Letting a feeling be there means allowing an uncomfortable feeling without first requiring it to disappear.
Before a presentation, for example, you could notice your nerves and still open your notes. A useful question is what the situation needs from you, alongside how you feel about it.
Or you could be stuck in traffic, delayed by events outside your control, giving the windscreen a piece of your mind. This kind of flexibility isn’t about pretending it isn’t frustrating to be stuck in gridlock when you have an urgent appointment or a drop-off to make. It’s about accepting that it is frustrating, then putting it into perspective. There’s no point getting too worked up about something you can’t control, and it probably won’t matter tomorrow. Or you might think, “Yes, I know I’m going to be late, but if I stay calm and drive carefully and patiently, I’m not going to turn a frustrating situation into a much worse one.”
After a setback, a mistake, or when something doesn’t go your way despite your best efforts, your mind can start telling a story. Perhaps it says, “Everyone has lost confidence in me.” It’s amazing how fast that story can run. Someone makes a passing comment and you overthink it. Before long you’ve jumped to a conclusion that’s miles away from what was an innocent remark, and they’ve probably forgotten all about it, or are already on to something else. You can ask whether that’s something you actually know, or something your mind is predicting.
It’s often easier said than done, but try to put some space between you and your thoughts. Just because a thought says something doesn’t make it true. Try describing it as “a thought I’m noticing”. Naming it can reduce the pull of the thought. Think of a message that pops up on your phone. You can read it, work out whether it needs a reply, and decide what to do. In the same way, you can notice a thought, take it seriously enough to consider it, and choose whether it is useful to follow.
There’s a reason our minds do this. We have a negativity bias, which means we give more weight to what could go wrong than to what’s going right. For our ancestors thousands of years ago, that was handy. The rustle in the bushes that might have been a sabre-tooth tiger was worth noticing, and the nice view was not. It helped keep them safe. But it’s a lot less useful when the “threat” is an email, a tone of voice or a mistake on the job, because our minds can treat those like a tiger in the bushes.
A good way to get out of your head is to look at what’s around you. Maybe you’re standing in the depot with your mind a million miles away, or staring at an email you can’t bring yourself to answer. If you can pause for a moment, notice what you can see: the desk or the vehicle in front of you, the light, the colours around you. What can you hear? Maybe it’s traffic, a kettle or someone’s radio. What can you smell? If it feels comfortable, take one slow breath at your own pace. Tying yourself to what’s actually around you can give you a bit of distance from your thoughts, and a reminder of what’s real right now.
Then look at the task itself. What’s in front of you, and what do you need to know to move forward? Pick one thing to focus on before you do anything else.
From there, you might tell yourself, “I’m having these thoughts, but they’re just thoughts. I’ve had many, many thoughts over the years, and how many of them have turned out to be way off the mark of what actually happened?” Your mind is just doing its job of looking out for danger, even when there isn’t any.
Pressure also has a way of making us forget what we’re good at. Think about something you fixed or got right last month that nobody noticed. Maybe you sorted a problem out before it became one, or covered for someone, or got a job done properly the first time, and nobody said a word. You know you did the right thing, even without the public praise or a thank you. That still counts, and it’s worth remembering when things feel shaky. Remind yourself of other times you’ve succeeded. What are your strengths? Maybe you’re hardworking, or good at solving problems, or good with people. Back yourself, and remind yourself that you’ve got through challenges before. You can do it again.
If you need to build some momentum, start with some low-hanging fruit. Pick a few tasks you know you can take in your stride and get them done, then tackle the things that might be causing the problems.
When something doesn’t go to plan this week, take a breath and tell yourself, “Yep, things don’t always go to plan.” Your mind might be inclined to worry and criticise you. That’s just what minds do, so be kind to yourself. You’ve got through challenges like this before, and you can again. Break it into simple steps, take the first one, and don’t beat yourself up along the way.
And remember the old saying that a problem shared is a problem halved. If you’re carrying a lot, think about reaching out to a friend or a trusted colleague, or to your EAP. A few kind, sensible words from someone who cares about you can be just what helps you see that things aren’t as bad as they seem in your head. Many of us wouldn’t speak to a friend the way we speak to ourselves. If a friend came to you after a mistake or a setback, you’d be kind to them. Try giving yourself the same understanding.